Mexico
by H.E.R
Summary: Songfic w/Cake's song 'Mexico'. During his quest for desensitization, Nny thinks of Devi


Disclaimer:  I do not own Johnny or Devi or anything else from the JtHM or IFS comics.  They all belong to the great and almighty Jhonen Vasquez and to Slave Labor Graphics.  I do great happy waltz for the mere existence of the worshiped Vasquez.

I also do not own the song "Mexico".  It is Cake's song.  They own it.  You can't have it.  If they're going to give it away…well I don't think they'd give it to me, but I still want it.  Same for JtHM.: -D

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Nny made his way down the road in his old, beaten up Buick.  The road was dusty and completely empty as he rode down towards the south.  He wasn't sure if that was the way to go to get rid of his emotions, but it was as good a direction as any.  Maybe he could get some fireworks, too.  He liked those.  The bright colors the loud bangs…he wasn't sure why they were outlawed.  Didn't matter to him anyway.  He just needed to be like Mr. Samsa.  That was his goal after all, to become cold and perfunctory like the bug.  He didn't want to want.  He didn't want to need.  He merely wished to have a cold and emotionless life, doing just what it took to get by and no more.

A chill swept in through Nny's window as the car drove on in silence.  The night sky hung ominously above the young man's head, making him feel almost trapped.  Trapped?  That was ridiculous.  He was out on the _open road.  Under the __open sky.  There was nothing trapping him.  Nny suddenly felt that the silence was beginning to grow oppressive and turned on the radio.  The stations sounded static for a moment, before clearing into some sort of news bulletin.  The news castor was talking about some Terry Gilliam movie that they had found new footage to or something of that sort, which set Nny to thinking.  He remembered the last Gilliam movie he had gone to see.  He had been with Devi at the time, and the night was a beautiful one, not unlike this night.  A shiver ran down Nny's spine as he thought of all he had lost, and it chilled him to the bone._

"I had a match, but she had a lighter

I had a flame, but she had a fire

I was bright, but she was much brighter

I was high, but she was the sky"

Nny wondered how he could have even thought that he had a chance with an angel like Devi.  He should have known that he would screw things up.  It was all his fault.  Nny slammed his hands on the steering wheel, causing the horn to honk for a moment.  It didn't matter anyway, since the road was as empty as his life had always been.  Nothing really mattered to Nny.  Nothing in all of his life, or rather, all of the life he could remember.  Nothing except for Devi.  He cared very deeply for Devi, and although he knew that it was counterproductive for him to dwell on these feelings, he rather liked it.  He enjoyed feeling like he had something to keep him going.  Just the thought of her made him smile and ache like he would never stop aching at the same time.  His heart retched, knowing that he could never be with her after what he had done, but it wasn't meant to be.  He had never been good enough for her anyway. 

"Oh baby, I was bound for Mexico

Oh baby, I was bound to let you go"

Nny sighed deeply, thinking of his love and wishing for the millionth time that he could see her smile at him just once more.  He knew that it would never happen, like many things in his life, but that was all right.  After he rid himself of all of those vexing emotions, he wouldn't ever cry over her again.  He would never lie awake at night, merely thinking of how her touch hadn't made him want to scour off his skin.  He would never sit alone, trying to picture every detail of her exquisite face.

Even the thoughts of never trying that again made Nny feel a tight knot in his stomach.  He would never care about Devi, or anything again.  The maniac felt sick once more, and decided to stop at a diner somewhere.

"I don't know much about Cinco de Mayo

I'm never sure what it's all about

But I say I want you and you don't believe me

You say you want me, but I've got my doubts

Oh baby, I was bound for Mexico

Oh baby, I was bound to let you go"

The diner was dingy and the people in it, as dirty as the food that they ate.  There weren't many people eating or working there, and Nny began to wonder what time it was.  He hadn't checked the time since he left, and that had been two days ago.  He was beginning to grow weary, and even wanted to rest for a few moments, but he was afraid that he may fall asleep and all would be lost in those few hours.

Nny sat down in the booth that looked to have the least amount of dirt covering it, which wasn't saying much at all.  Maybe he should just leave and find someplace else to eat.  Nny began to get up when at that moment a waitress walked up to the booth with a menu and checkpad in hand.  "What can I getcha?" she asked, chomping away at her gum.  She was obviously from nearby, from the Southern drawl that was prevalent in her voice.

Isn't this quaint, Nny thought.  Just the picture of every waitress that you had ever seen in every TV show or movie that you had ever seen.  The woman wore the light pink skirt with the white apron over that.  Her dark hair, though slightly bleached by the sun, was pulled back into a tight ponytail, which swung behind her head as she walked.  Nny would bet you just about anything that she was driving a dirty red truck.  "Well," Nny glanced at the woman's name tag, "Genni, I'll have a grilled cheese and a cup of coffee."  He figured that there was less chance of the food being rotten if it were only bread, cheese, and butter.  "Thank you."

"Sure.  Ya want creamer or not?"  Genni continued chewing her gum like a cow.  She had lowered her head to write down his order and now looked up at him with her eyes, which were covered with a layer of black and blue make-up.  It looked almost like she wanted people to think she was brushed or a heroin addict.  It almost worked too, but Nny had seen heroin addicts, and he definitely knew what bruises looked like.

"Yes.  And some sugar, too, please."  Johnny picked up the empty sugar container, turning it upside down to illustrate the point.

Genni rolled her eyes and snatched the sugar container from Nny, turning to walk back into the kitchen with his order.  She seemed quite annoyed by his simple request.  If she didn't want to deal with people asking for things she shouldn't have taken a job as a waitress.  That was a waitress's job to take orders.  Nny began to feel the old anger that normally permeated his every thought.  "No," Johnny murmured to himself.  "I will not feel.  Feelings are pointless and I don't need them.  I must be like Samsa.  I must be like Samsa."  Johnny began to repeat this as if it were some sort of private mantra.  Maybe it was.  Maybe this is what would get him through his transition.  After the transition he wouldn't need it anymore.

After about a minute of saying this Nny finally bunched up all of his emotions into a ball and forced them down within himself.  He didn't need them one bit.  All they had ever done was caused him pain, which was just another one of the superfluous emotions that he intended to rid himself of.  Nny had to wait a minute more before Genni came up with his order.  "One grilled cheese and one coffee.  Enjoy," she said mechanically, laying down the bill and walking away.  It was better that she did it this way, Nny wasn't sure if he could restrain himself once more if she was rude to him again.

The grilled cheese was slightly burnt, but the coffee looked and smelled all right, so Nny decided not to complain, not wanting to deal with Genni again.  There was something about that girl that just happened to rub him the wrong way.  Nny picked up the sugar and poured a substantial amount of it into the coffee followed by a substantial amount of creamer, which he then stirred with the spoon, Genni had thoughtfully brought.  He took a sip and wished that he had a brainfreezy.  He hated coffee, but he didn't want to sleep, so this was his only choice in staying awake due to the fact that he was about fifty miles away from any place that might have brainfreezies or anything like that.  Maybe he should have gone to Canada instead.

"I had a match, but she had a lighter

I had a flame, but she had a fire

I was bright, but she was much brighter

I was high, but she was the sky"

As always, Nny's thoughts soon turned to Devi.  He wondered for probably the thousandth time what she was doing right now.  Maybe she was actually happy.  Maybe she had found out that he had left town and was having a party.  Nny stared at the grilled cheese for a long while, watching it as if it were going to tell him the answers to every question that he had going through his crazed and demented mind.  No such luck.  No answers made themselves apparent to Nny and he was just as confused as he had been when he started, if not more so.  He knew that he should just try and forget her, but he couldn't seem to even stop thinking about her, let alone forget her.  Maybe one day he would be able to tell her exactly how he felt.  Then again, maybe one day he would turn into a bowl of tapioca pudding, but that wasn't very likely.

Nny could almost certainly tell his fate was to be alone all of his life.  He shook the thought from his head.  'If I don't have emotions, I won't care if I have someone to love me,' he told himself.  He was just being sentimental.  He missed Devi.  He missed Devi so badly that it hurt, but he couldn't let that get to him.  If he tried he could probably bottle that up too and push it back within himself so that he would never have to feel it again.  He hoped so.  He hoped that these emotions would never break loose of him like a swollen river breaking through a dam.  He didn't want to think of it if he lost his cool and lost control of himself.  He didn't want to ever lose control again.  Not even over Devi.

Johnny sighed to himself.  If he kept thinking of her, he would never get over her.  If he never got over her, he would never be rid of the unessential emotions that he had practically ruling his life.  He never wanted to be a slave to anything again.  Burger Boy had told him that he would always be a slave to something.  He had told him that he needed to express himself.  'Fuck Burger Boy,' Nny thought angrily.   He didn't need to do anything except what was necessary to keep himself alive, just like Mr. Samsa.  One day he would be like Samsa, and then he would finally be free.  Nny looked forward to that day, just as a sixteen-year-old looks forward to getting their driver's license.  Just as he had looked forward to his date with Devi.

Nny cursed himself and stared deep into his coffee cup, watching the dark liquid reflect the light that bounced off of it.

"Oh, baby, I was bound for Mexico

Oh, baby, I was bound to let you go"

He was beginning to think that he would never be rid of his emotions.  He was also beginning to think that he would never be rid of his love for Devi.  Nny bowed his head and watched the tears fall silently into his coffee.  He hadn't really wanted it anyway.


End file.
